zotmeister | SMACdown: Secrets of the Human Brain

Mission year 2112. Research efforts have been stellar - no pun intended - so far, and the other factions seem to be friendly enough, at least those who respond to our commlink hails. Perhaps the most curious detail of our landing is how very scattered about Planet we have found ourselves; I can only assume that we have largely ended up on different continents. There is, of course, one glaring exception: the U. N. Peacekeepers are just southwest of our landing site. This is a double-edged sword, to be sure, but in this largely hostile environment we both seem much more willing to work together than against one another. Which is why I've issued a communique to all our top scientists, to be disseminated among all researchers, explicating that Peacekeeper citizens are NOT to be considered to be or treated as lab rats. The good relations we currently have are not to be tainted in any manner. We must work TOGETHER to survive, not take advantage of each other. To that end, we have agreed to the(ir) idea of establishing a new United Nations here on Planet. Of course, these early meetings may not accomplish much involving only two nations - others being unable to attend due to the vast distances between us - but we certainly recognize that we are writing a new history with each such action, so philosophically speaking they are very meaningful. When other factions manage to join us in Council, we'll already have had a head start in seeing things the Peacekeepers' way and be better able to participate. Greatly assisting with this venture is a technology we have recently mastered, commonly called "Secrets of the Human Brain", which gives us tremendous insight into the way people think, feel, and react to social stimuli. If it didn't run completely counter to our own philosophy, we could probably use this understanding to whip the drones up into a fundamentalist force. Actually, we expect the Believers may have already done this, with their gaining the knowledge themselves an unfortunate side effect of using them to make researching it possible to begin with. As is our motto, learn now, regret later. Besides, I have my hands full with people on THIS hemisphere. My own people. I should have known Datan was up to something with es "Secrets of the Human Brain testing" proposal. In retrospect, I should have questioned what part of speech e had intended 'testing' to be... "Hi, welcome, come in, have a seat." "Thanks." "I'm Dr. Zerode. Were you briefed on procedure before you came in?" [unnerved] "Uh, no, I wasn't, I didn'-" "Perfect! Then let's begin. There will be-" "Wait! What should I have been told?" "Nothing! Trick question. I only asked it to see your response." "Oookay." "The entirety of the testing will be like that. There will be four phases; the first three are varied stimuli - just do or say whatever you think is appropriate. In phase four, pie will be served." "Pie...?" "Yes, pie. Sorry, no ice cream or whipped topping." "Okay..." "Phase one." [leans forward] "I know the secrets of your brain." [short pause] "I beg your pardon?" [leans back] "I know the secrets of your brain." "The secrets of my brain?" "I know the secrets of your braaaain." "I don't know what you mean." "Of course not! They wouldn't be secrets if you knew them, now, would it?" "...I'm not following." "I know the secrets of your braaaaaaaain." "Would you stop saying that?" "I know the secrets of your BRAAAAAAAAIN." "Leave my brain out of this!" [leans forward] "I know the SECRETS of your BRAAAAAAAAIN!" "Shut up!" [leans up out of chair] "I KNOW THE SECRETS OF YOUR BRAAAAAAAAIN!" "LEAVE ME ALONE!" "GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN!" "AAAGH!" [falls out of chair] "Whoa, you okay there, sport?" [pulls emself back up into chair while speaking] "What is this?! What's the matter with you?" [sits back down] "Phase two." "What?" [no response] "Did you say 'phase two'"? [no response] "Alright, I see how this goes. Fine." [no response] [whistles tunelessly] [no response] [twiddles thumbs] [no response] [peruses ceiling] "Ah, here we go." "I'm sorry, what was that?" BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP "...UUGH! You disgusting son of a bitch!" "Ih, I give myself a six." [visibly in pain] "That stinks so much, my nose feels like it's burning!" [leans forward] "I know the secrets of your brain." "You're insane!" "Would you like to know the secrets of your brain?" [face a perfect mixture of pain, confusion, and curiosity] "...What did you say?" "I said, would you like to know the secrets of your brain?" "What 'secrets'? What are you on about?" "Yes or no." "Wha - I don't know what you-" "Yes or no." "Would you just-" [sits up off chair] "YES OR NO!" "But I-" "GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN!" "YES!" "'Yes'?" "YES! Yes, yes, yes." "Excellent!" [sits back down] "Phase three." "Phase three?" "I know the secrets of your brain." "So you keep telling me." "I know the link-ups of your chain." "Huh?" "I know the mark-ups of your gain." "What?" "I know the inklets of your drain." "What now?" "I know the regrets of your rain." "What are the secrets of my brain?!" "I know the rejects of your mane." "It still reeks in here." "I know the egrets of your plain." "You're mad!" "I know the pin-ups of your lain." "I know the stink-ups of your game!" "...I'm sorry, what was that?" "I know the stink-ups of your game!" "VERY good! Wonderful! Apt and timely! I'm impressed." [offers handshake] "...Uh, thank you?" [accepts offer] [gives earnest handshake] "Phase four. Congrats!" [reaches into backpack below chair, produces two pre-packaged individual-serving pies] "Would you like cherry or chocolate?" "Oh, uh, cherry, please." "I said, would you like cherry or chocolate?" "Cherry." "Cherry or chocolate. Not a tough choice." "Cherry, you asshole." "Come on, just pick one." "Gimme the damn cherry pie." "Come on and-" [look of shock] "Wait, did you say, 'cherry'?!" "Yes. Cherry." "Oh, you don't want the cherry pie." "Yes, I do. I don't like chocolate." "Trust me, you do not want the cherry pie." "...Why, what's wrong with it?" "Well, nothing, but it's cherry." [dismissive tone] "You don't want the cherry pie." "Oh, I'm pretty sure I do want the cherry pie, especially after all this." "You've gotta be kidding." "What did you do to the pies?" [looks offended] "Nothing! They're pre-packaged!" "Then why do you want me to take the chocolate pie?" "I never said that!" "Then give me the cherry pie!" "I know the secrets of your brain." "Not that again..." "I know the vegans of your grain." "Give me the pie already!" "You want cherry or chocolate?" "CHERRY! CHERRY, YOU BASTARD!" "Oh, you don't want the cherry pie." "YES I DO!" "You can't want the sherry dry." "SHUT UP AND GIVE ME THE PIE!" "YOU MUST WANT THE HAIRY GUY!" "GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN!" [smiles widely] "Well done! Right you are, one cherry pie it is." [hands over cherry pie] [stunned] "...Wait...what..." "If you don't want it, then I'll just-" [yanks pie from Datan's hand] "Very well. Testing complete, you're free to go. Enjoy!" [gets up to leave] "...It's over?!" "Yep. That's it." "...I...I..." "I'm afraid you'll have to provide your own fork. For safety reasons, none are present here." "...Fork...fork?...NO!...I..." "I'm sorry, what was that?" "...I...this...we...pie...." [collapses to floor, cries, clutches pie to chest] "I suggest you leave. It smells in here. I'm leaving anyhow. Farewell." [exits] "...I love you, pie... we're finally together... alone...." [cries tears of joy] "I'll never lose you... I'll never let anyone eat you... no one will ever come between us... we'll be together...forever...." [holding glass up to door] "Damn, I'm good at this."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Memo to self: If I find myself alone in a room with a man named Dr. Zerode, I must leave. IMMEDIATELY.

Memo to self: Share previous memo with fellow Peacekeepers.

Nice. This may be a record as the only possible comedy in which 'give me the pie' is said more than once yet said pie does not wind up in someone's face.
Very witty. I'm hoping to keep, y'know, living in this game. I think someone finally found me.

Pre-packaged pies don't splush well. That, and I'd like to think my ending is altogether cleverer, if not actually funnier, although I must admit I did think about putting a pie in a face at first.

I have your turn ready for you; I just need to email it to you, which I'll do tonight. - ZM

I've had the concept of "secrets of your brain" variations going through my head for the past few days, and my brain has kicked out a few new ones. I thought I'd share them here, to see if anyone finds them entertaining:

I know the regrets of your flame. (as in, your old flame)
I know the extent of your fame.
I know the zealots of your Spain

Yosemite Sam knows the stick-ups of your train. - ZM

SMACdown: Secrets of the Human Brain

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